Slowly dying

girl laying on bed

I doubted the feeling in my gut. I wanted to believe that you were some kinda good for me.but the more I kept myself around you, the more the real you became apparent in my eyes. You became everything you said you weren’t.  I just knew my life was never gonna get any better with you by my side. I fought that feeling for as long as I could take it. Eventually, the voice was waking me up the middle of the might, reminding me of something you did. My mind kept replaying scenes that I’ve tried to erase. I wanted to ignore it with everything inside of me. I needed to. I had to believe one day it would change. I tried to make the shortcomings my own. I felt myself slipping away. I got lost in my denial. Protecting you but never guarding me. I could no longer look at the girl in the mirror. I was someone, I never wanted to be. I accepted it all, if it meant you would stay. You had no fault, and I choose to enable it. I lost myself, all in the hope of keeping you. I had long accepted the dysfunction, I was willing to die for this relationship. I was willing to die, to keep you near. I was committed. I hated myself, I hated our life. You promised it would get better. Slowly, I realized you never would.
Love that I never received. Love I chased my entire life. I didn’t start with you, I was abandoned  long before we met. You had different faces, but the pain I felt was always the same.  I just never wanted to feel that hurt again. So I accepted the heartbreak, I accepted this was my life. I told myself to be happy with what I got. No one has ever really loved me, and this is just the best that I would have. If there was no drama, I created some, it was all I knew. It was the only way I felt safe. Hurt after hurt, pain inside my chest. I lived to slowly die.

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