Not today

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I don’t want to do this today. I just want to lay in the bed with the covers over my head. I don’t care how I look, I don’t care what the weather is like. But I secretly hope it rains,to match my mood. My heart is heavy and there too many emotions that are here,but I just keep pressing forward pushing it to the end of the day. Wondering why everything has to happen all at once, wondering when will it ever end, but I push those questions away, breathe deep and keep it going. everything that doesn’t usually gets on my nerves, will. The kids seem to have an extra dose of energy just for my nerves. I try to smile and try not to be mean because the effect may weigh on their lives long after I’ve recovered. I smile but I’m faking. Im pissed. I’m sad, I’m irritated and damn it, I’m mad. My eyes fill too quick, to often. I’m unbothered but too bothered all at once. Im here, but don’t ask me any questions. I’m preoccupied inside and oblivious to the things around me. I. Don’t. Know. And most importantly, I. Don’t. Care, right now. I’m absent. I’m surviving…I’m here. And I just want to find my way home, to my bed, pull my covers over my head…and stay there.

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