I am tying so hard to understand. Trying so hard to get that what I’m going through is best for me. But it hurts and more than anything, I want this to be over with. I pray and cry, cry and pray again. But it seems as though I must be missing a spot. Maybe I’m not saying the right thing, or maybe I did something wrong. which ever one it is…I wish I knew. I am doing all I can but it must not be good enough, so I rethink the past, I reminisce over the things I’ve done and try to find an act that would justify this pain, the punishment.
I can’t change too much. I’ve done what I’ve done and said what I said. I promise to do better, I can guarantee I’ll give it my best. Whatever it takes to ease the pain in my heart.
Maybe this all boils down to lack of trust.
If I’m honest, I don’t trust you God. I say I do because I’ve always been told I should. But far too many times it seems like trusting God has got me in an uncomfortable place. Sometimes it seems like you have forgotten all about me, so I take matters in my own hands. I often create more damage, my emotions often get the best of me.
But I will give it my best shot. I will step back and completely release my grip. It’s not easy but I know God will ultimately do a better job than I ever will. I’ll release my expectations and and rest in You. There are moments when I don’t get it, there are so many things I don’t understand. But I will fully trust that you have my best interest at heart, and trust in your will.